The One About How I Like The Ugly Ones

I have a big problem with conventional standards of beauty. Not just because, as a feminist, I find the idea of holding people to an unreachable standard oppressive. I do. But more importantly, the conventional standards just aren’t what I find beautiful. Allow me to begin with a quote from Kissing Jessica Stein, which I admittedly haven’t seen.

Jessica: …And then, if you’re lucky enough to find someone who’s the right kind of smart and the right kind of funny, usually they’re just… kinda…
Helen: Ugly?
Jessica: Ugly, exactly. Oh my god, is that awful?
Helen: No, not at all. Ugly doesn’t do it for you. That’s okay. See me, I’m kinda into ugly… But only if it’s sexy-ugly.
Jessica: Sexy-ugly? Define.
Helen: Okay, well, um…I was gonna say Mick Jagger. He’s the big one. Oh, Lyle Lovett, um, James Woods, Harvey Keitel. Harvey Keitel. He’s very sexy-ugly.

Sexy-ugly isn’t a new concept. The French call it jolie-laide, but that refers primarily to women. If you’re looking for more examples of sexy-ugly, try Coilhouse’s Top Ten Most Preternaturally Beautiful Men and Verve’s Twenty Sexiest Ugly People. Once you’ve finished that, you’re beginning to graze the surface of what I’m attracted to.

See, lots of people are into sexy-ugly, but there are levels. A redhead with double Ds and a 0.7 waist-to-hip ratio, but short hair and a quirky nose, might be classified as jolie-laide by some, but isn’t going to have a hard time getting a date. On the other hand, some people go weak at the knees for Christopher Walken.

And then you have folks like me. People who get a 10 rating off me range from Lady Gaga to Beth Ditto to the goddamn Borg Queen, and Matt Smith to Ledger’s Joker to a certain fetishwear-clad, thermally-challenged, half-Scarran baddie.

The rest of this post is going to be devoted to the infamous Scorpius. Fair warning.

Take a moment and just look at this man. Look at those cheekbones! They could cut you like a diamond saw. Pause to examine his nose. That is a nose with character. That nose could get it’s own spinoff show. Look at the tight, severe line of his lips. I bet you can tell immediately how much you don’t want to get on his bad side. Or, if you’re like me, how much you really, really do.

Check out that detached, arrogant expression. The weird, gimp-suit-esque headpiece. I know I’m not the only one who goes weak at the knees over that kind of refined creepiness.

And, sweet succulent Jesus, the clothes. The variations in texture, the drape of the über-epaulets and the tails, the straps around his delectable thighs and calves, the motherfucking codpiece!

Black leather, or whatever crazy space-age material his coolant suit is constructed from, gets pretty high sexiness rating across the board, and I’m certainly not immune to the effect. But more than that, I have a huge thing for full-body coverage. The more your clothing covers, the sexier I am liable to find you. A well-layered ensemble makes me drool.

Warning: Vid full of spoilers and sexy.

Did I mention this man has super strength, a tragic backstory, and a cultured, delicate English accent which drops into a low, threatening growl when you piss him off? Because he does. And, Lord, do the writers make use of it.

More importantly, he has a metric fuckton of chemistry with several members of the cast.

But there is one serious downside to life as a Scorpius Fanboy.

No one writes Scorpius fic.

Actually, I’ve found a few, and a tiny fraction of them were good, but the only type of fic at all plentiful is UST between the main canon pairing. I’d like to point out, first, that most of the show is UST between these two, so you hardly need to write it, and, second, that they are a pretty conventionally attractive, human-looking, white, heterosexual couple.

Even the possible pairings between more universally appealing characters than Scorpius don’t get written, so my boy hasn’t got a chance.

I’ve seen him described as the ugliest villain since Jabba the Hutt. I think this is entirely untrue, and even if it were, isn’t a good reason to ignore the totally epic chemistry and completely neglect him.

I will accept that most people don’t find him attractive. That’s fine. More for me. But even if you aren’t at all attracted to him, he isn’t that ugly. Allow me to theorize about other people’s attraction or lack of, and to explain mine.

I think the primary reason people think he is ugly is that he, at first glance, appears wrinkly, and we’ve been wired to find youth attractive and age hideous. In actual fact, he’s mostly not wrinkled. He isn’t old, he is an alien. The apparent wrinkles on his cheeks are more like ridges, and the ones around his eyes are more like scales. But he’s humanoid enough that we don’t read him as a funny looking alien. We read him as an old looking human.

This is especially frustrating to me because everything except his face is blatant fetish fuel. If he had a more obviously young and classically handsome face, everyone would be drooling over him. He’s got a great body, a fascinating personality, chemistry out the wazoo, he’s dressed up in leather and latex and bondage, etcetera etcetera. He repeatedly licks and/or strangles other characters on screen. I know for a fact I’m not the only one into that. His voice is like velvet. Seriously. He is pure, undiluted fetish fuel, except for that face.

And, frankly, I love his face. I will admit I didn’t at first. It took a while to grow on me. But now I find him absolutely gorgeous. His cheekbones and his nose are classic ugly-sexy that could appeal to anyone. His eyes are a cold and piercing blue-grey. The scales and occasional discoloration around his eyes, and the ridges that stretch across the hollows of his cheeks, have, for lack of a more PC word, a certain exotic appeal. I am, after all, an undeniable xenophile.

Then, last, we have his lips. In one of the badfics I stumbled across in my desperate search, they were described as ‘thin yet luscious’. That makes no sense. Scorpius’ lips aren’t frelling luscious. But I almost understand why the Suethor in question wrote that ill-advised description. Scorpius has very appealing lips, but the words our culture has provided us to describe attractive lips do not describe his. It is their very thinness that makes them so appealing. Watching those thin lips stretch tight across his sharp teeth in a decidedly wicked smile can’t not be erotic, but how does one describe it?

That’s what’s getting to me the most lately. Not only do beauty standards make it that little bit harder to relate to the rest of our society, but it has pretty much stonewalled my ability to even communicate what I find beautiful to the rest of our society. And, on that note, I will end with this quote, stolen from TV Trope’s Nightmare Fetish page.

“I’m afraid I don’t see things like you do. I mean it: I’m afraid. What if the things I find beautiful drive you mad? What if they hollow you out like clever little squirrels getting nuts for the winter, except the nuts are your eyes, and winter is, I don’t know, maybe the Rapture or something? And I’m just smiling while your face gets ripped apart because I think it’s beautiful? These things worry me sometimes, when I’m not looking at the night sky. So I spend a lot of time looking at the night sky, and not looking at your face and thinking about squirrels.” —Genius: The Transgression


~ by onetiddlyridley on March 5, 2011.

2 Responses to “The One About How I Like The Ugly Ones”

  1. Apparently, I’ve finally gotten a pretty good handle on who you think is hot and why. I looked at the pictures before I read the article (and other than “OMG, he eats brains!” and “OMG, fetish-fuel clothes,” you’ve not said around me exactly what about him you find attractive.)
    I took a moment to observe and assess: “Hmm, splendid cheekbones,nice nose. More or less the right sort of eye-sockets/eyelids. Thin lips. Greyish, sickly palor, with red around the eyes. He seems distant. Disdainful and superior.”
    Spot. fucking. on.

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