The One That’s Bound To Upset Somebody

I’ve been in a rather awkward place lately, and I have to just come out and say it. Somehow, I’ve fallen into being The Crazy One and The Only Sane Man at the same time.

I mean, it’s not an absolute thing, of course. And when I say Only Sane Man I don’t mean everyone I know is a wack job. What I mean, really, is we’re all crazy. Pretty equally crazy, in a bunch of different ways. But most of my coping mechanisms are internal, and a lot of my friends’ coping mechanisms are external. There’s nothing wrong with this. We all do our coping in the way which is most natural and effective for us. That’s good.

But when I internalize all my shit, and I let everyone else externalize their shit on me, let’s face it, I end up with all the shit.

I wouldn’t even mind, if I weren’t getting the feeling everyone had forgotten I have shit of my own.

When I internalize it all, no one sees that much of it. Without calling up any specific incidents, or calling any specific people out, ecause this isn’t about naming names or anything, and I’m not blaming anyone, I’m theorizing, alright? I’m not angry at anyone. I’m not upset. I just have thoughts on this and want to voice them and maybe address them or something? Okay, guys?

Anyway, without the specifics, there have been some times when I have had responsibility for other people shunted onto me, and there have been instances when people reacted to me stimming or ticking with bewilderment.

At the same time, it’s something of a running joke how crazy I am and how everyone knows it. Again, not something I generally mind. I’m quite a character. I like to flaunt that. I like when people talk about it.

The problem is, everyone jokes about me being crazy because, say, I have a weird fetish, or, I make horrifying mixed drinks. Which, yeah, alright, that is crazy. For a given value of crazy. But when we talk about crazy, we typically mean it in the reclaiming-derogatory-language-to-talk-about-our-mental-issues kind of way, not lol-that-thing-you-did-just-there-fell-way-outside-of-social-norms kind of way.

Except when we’re talking about me, apparently.

The fact that fandom is most of my personality and philosophy and fucking religion is not crazy. The fact that some of the things that arouse me creep other people out is not crazy. The fact that I will put almost anything in my mouth at least once is not actually crazy. Alright, when it’s a power cord, maybe. But that was only twice!

You know what is crazy? The fact that I pull my eyebrow hairs out of my face when I’m stressed. The fact that when I have a severe emotional episode I become catatonic. The fact that I have a deep seated, pathological fear of any form of abandonment, rejection, or disapproval. Hey, even the fact that sometimes I am sad for no reason, and rarely know how to articulate it.

A lot of the time, these aren’t big issues. My trichotillomania¬†only acts up when I have to live with my parents. I have full-on shut downs once in a blue moon. Even my attachment issues have taken a back seat to the good things in my head. They’re still there, and probably always will be, but I’m dealing with them much more healthily than before.

But random bouts of melancholy can pop up any time. And I would kind of like someone to notice me huddled up on a corner of the couch, BSODing at the TV, and bring me a piece of chocolate or something. And not remind me that my interests, turn ons, and quirks are shared by, like, less than 1% of the world’s population.

TL;DR: Wangsty Ian is Wangsty. And having PMSy food cravings.

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~ by onetiddlyridley on March 11, 2011.

One Response to “The One That’s Bound To Upset Somebody”

  1. *internet hugs* For what it’s worth, I try not to externalize my problems at you more than I can avoid, ’cause I know you’ve got your own shit to deal with, and since you internalize so well, I never really know if you are actively dealing with much, or if you’re pretty much fine, or whatever, at any given point.

    When we ever have time to hang out again, if I start imposing my crazy on you in ways you aren’t comfortable with, or if I make you feel marginalized or made light of, please let me know so I can stop whatever I’m doing wrong!

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