The One Where I May Or May Not Have a Sex Drive At All

Hello, again! Long time, no see! It seems that my resolutions to write something every day has finally kicked in. And I’m actually not back to update you on my emotional state, although I may, as I work on my codependency and compassion fatigue, continue to post on my progress. There just aren’t a lot of resources, and if I can do something to fix that, especially by simply talking about myself, I totally will! At the moment, though, I’m here to talk about my sex drive. This blog is, after all, meant to be primarily about sexuality.

Ages ago, I thought I might be asexual. I told plenty of people, including therapists who then came to completely erroneous conclusions, that while I certainly enjoyed getting off on my own, and I did think about sex quite a bit, I didn’t think my interest in sex was strong enough to override how much I don’t like getting out of my clothes, or having people touch me. I figured I’d be completely content never getting laid.

Then, my sex drive suddenly ramped itself up to eleven, and stayed there for a while. Sex became all I thought about, and all I talked about, and all I wanted to do. Everyone around me found it very irritating. I found it very irritating, especially because I didn’t think I would actually get to have sex any time soon. Thankfully, I was mistaken. With the assistance of mind altering substances, I finally got laid. Which did not go how I expected it to.

For one thing, I figured I’d have to get naked. And someone would make me come. Instead, I got to leave my clothes on and make other people come. Which was much more fun, and substantially less stressful, although I did spend the next week freaking out and having weird phantom sensations in my fingertips. It was found rather hilarious by all.

Since then, I’ve kept having sex. And most of it has been like that. I keep my clothes on and do sexy things to other people. I tried letting other people get their hands, and even their tongues, in my pants, but it mostly just feels strange and unpleasant. After a bit of experimentation with that, I came to the conclusion I was Stone, announced it to everyone, and people mostly stopped trying to get their hands and tongues in my pants. And lo, it was good.

Recently, though, the idea I might be asexual has come back into play. Which is a bit ridiculous, since I have a lot of sex. A lot of kinky group sex, especially. But the more sex I have, the less interest I have in it. My interest spikes from time to time, especially when assisted by alcohol, but I’d usually rather watch TV or something. I still think about sex a lot, and talk about sex a lot, but I can’t actually be arsed to have it. A large part of it is laziness. Sex is fun, but it’s a lot of work! Especially when you’re Stone. But often it’s not like, oh, I’d love to fuck you, but I’m too lazy. It’s more like, yeah, yeah, sex is nice, but I’m trying to watch this movie!

It doesn’t help that my primary partner, Alexander, is the horniest guy in the world. Seriously, satisfying his sex drive is more than a full time job for two people. The other day he was trying to convince me to suck him off and I found myself saying “But it’s so much work! And it takes forever! And you’ll just want to do it again in a few minutes!” I don’t think that’s a normal attitude for a normal sexual person.

I tried to explain to Alexander once, awhile ago, that I was beginning to view myself as a bit asexual. He didn’t get it, mainly because we have so much sex, which is a pretty good argument. I told him, “Sex isn’t really sexual for me. I don’t really have a physical sex drive, it’s more of a mental thing,” and I explained my whole transference of desire thing. He told me he understood that, and then he told me, “You spend more time thinking about sex than even any sexual person I know. You don’t just think about having it, but you examine it from every angle. You think about different types of sex, and why people are into them, and the social ramifications, and everything. You are just fascinated by sex!” With which I had to agree.

That was actually before I stopped wanting to have sex, though. I think he’s revised his opinion on the legitimacy of my asexuality now. Personally, I think my interest in sex goes hand in hand with my pseudo-sexuality. Sex isn’t a way to get off for me, it’s a science experiment! It’s also a social event. It’s a whole lot of things to me, but I think many of those things would be completely alien to your average sexual person, and when I got to the end of the list they’d realize that less than 10% of those things were physical, and none of them mentioned orgasm.

Anyway, I do like sex, even if I don’t like it the way most people do. But, even taking that into account, I don’t want to have it much lately. We’ve figured out that part of that is diminished interest, and part of that is laziness. But I also think there’s another part. As much as I enjoy my partners’ sexualities and satisfying their needs, the sex I have is never about satisfying my needs. I’m still not sure what my sexual needs are, especially since they very rarely involve getting off.

I have discovered, I do actually enjoy physical stimulation. Just not where you’d expect. I love to have my wrists, my back, my legs stroked, even my ass. I’ve even discovered I enjoy dirty talk, although I cannot give as good as I take. Or at all. I also really love the kinky stuff. I love subbing, I love taking a beating, I love giving a beating.

I also really, really like dry humping. I got to do this with Alexander the other day, actually. It was wonderful, but it reinforced, once again, how atypical my sexuality is. I found it very comforting, and very arousing, but it didn’t make me want to come. I was perfectly happy, in fact, I was delighted, to lie their all cuddled up with Alexander while he rutted against me and stroked my thighs and ass and whispered filthy things in my ear and I whimpered a bit. He, however, was not content to leave it at that. He had to get off, and rocking against me wasn’t enough. Thankfully, his girlfriend stepped in at this point. I got to keep cuddling him, he got to get off, and she got him to shut up so she could sleep.

I don’t have much of a conclusion for this post. I learned a new thing, or rather, confirmed a theory I already had. I don’t know exactly how to put it into practice. I suppose, however, I can write myself a little to-do list: Try some more dry humping, maybe with other people. Get somebody to scene with you; you need it. And remember to keep experimenting.

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~ by onetiddlyridley on March 29, 2011.

One Response to “The One Where I May Or May Not Have a Sex Drive At All”

  1. I am rapidly beginning to think that degree of sexuality is not only not a binary (sexual vs. asexual), it’s not even really a continuum (sexualasexual). It’s like gender: you can be one, the other, both, neither, somewhere in between, or somewhere off the scale entirely, and one’s own orientation can change situationally.
    (In general, I’m starting to view the “sliding scale” perception of most orientations, identifications, and social constructs as being nearly as restrictive and useless as a binary system.)
    For example, I am generally a *very* sexual person. But, my experience of sex is apparently wildly atypical, and in some ways resembles things you describe here more than what I hear from more normatively sexual people.
    Sex not necessarily being sexual especially. Sex isn’t about getting off for me either, even on the rare occasions I do reach orgasm with a partner(s). It’s about expressing friendship or affection by giving pleasure to people I care for, or about being physically close with someone to mirror and emphasize emotional closeness, or even just about feeling nice, or being a distraction from stress or panic. Wanting to get off from it is a mood that strikes well into the act, if at all.
    And you know what else can accomplish all of these things? Dry humping, cuddling, and making out until all parties fall asleep or get bored and wander off.

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