The One About The Mind-Body Disconnect

I’ve been meaning to write up something on this for awhile now, but every time I sit down at my computer, I wind up on Netflix instead. Seriously, BSG is eating me alive.

But what I’m actually here to talk about is – drum roll please – my sexuality. Or pseudosexuality, as I’ve taken to calling it. It’s not really fair to call me asexual, but neither do I fit very neatly into the sexual category. The reason for this is the profound lack of connection between my mind and my body.

As I’ve said previously, I do enjoy select sexual activities with select partners, just not in a sexual way. This is partly my sensory defensiveness, and it is partly that what arouses my mind, what I enjoy, does not arouse my body. I can achieve a great deal of intellectual and tactile satisfaction from the non-reciprocal sex I give, from outercourse, from sceneing, or just from cuddling and talking about films.

I also read erotic fanfiction and, good lords, do I enjoy that. It gets my mind all kinds of hot and bothered, but it doesn’t do much for my body.

The most I’m generally going to get out of a sexual encounter, or even indulging in my mental fap material, is a warm hum of arousal defused through my body. Nothing urgent. Nothing that’s going to end in an orgasm. But I find it quite satisfactory, nevertheless.

My partners don’t always. The prevailing sexual ideals are very penetration centric and very orgasm centric. Even if they except that they can’t get me off the way they want to, they want to help. In theory, that would be nice. If I could engage in some partnered sex I enjoy and have a nice wank at the same time.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work very well. To reach orgasm, I have to appeal to my body, not my mind, and having people touching me, talking to me, hell, even being in the same room as me, is too distracting. To come, I have to retreat into myself and focus on what my body likes, and it’s really just a waste to go away when nice things are happening around me.

The real problem is what gets my body off. Because I do have orgasms, they’re just apparently reserved for solo activity. I can only stand genital contact from my own hand, and then, only on that one little red button. And the fap material required if I intend on actually achieving results is mostly really, really terrible porn. Sometimes just some horrible, sexist, mainstream het stuff will do the trick, but often I find myself resorting to really bad monster rape hentai. Just the kind of thing my mind finds a serious boner kill, but nothing else gets my clit hard the same way.

My current theory is that my masturbatory habits were inextricably tied early on to sadistic fantasy. I was jacking off by the time I could walk, and the first thing I remember getting me going was that stupid “I’m Being Eaten By  A Boa Constrictor” rhyme. And really, it all went downhill from there.

What gets me off about het porn is that I tend to conceptualize vaginal penetration as monstrously painful. After all, that’s what all my own experiments have indicated. Strangely, though, and thankfully, that’s not what I’m thinking when I’m fucking  someone with a vagina. I’m not even thinking, “Damn, look what I’m doing to their cunt.” I’m thinking, “Oh my Ghod, look what they’re doing to my cock!” Because partnered sex is about my brain, not my body, it’s a whole different animal. I experience nominally topping in a penetrative act as passive, submissive, even.

And I enjoy that immensely, among a diverse range of activities. No, I’m not going to come. No, I probably won’t fap to it latter. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hot as hell. It doesn’t mean I’m not satisfied.

I’m attempting to retrain my body’s sex drive, using classical forms of conditioning. It’s an interesting experiment, and maybe someday my body and mind will start to match up. Transitioning might help with that, too. But, in the mean time, I’m quite happy with my bizarre, autosexual, stone, gray-a sexuality. I just wish everyone else were, too.

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~ by onetiddlyridley on April 13, 2011.

2 Responses to “The One About The Mind-Body Disconnect”

  1. Man, why have we never watched bad monster rape hentai together? I love bad monster rape hentai!!

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